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Phoni UK starts search for new directors

Phoni UK, the FTSE 100 pharmaceuticals giant, has hired headhunter Anna Verkonsultant to begin a major overhaul of its board.

9:00PM GMT 05 Nov 2011

Ms Verkonsultant, founder of MEM (MakeEasyMoney) Consulting, has already begun the search for up to two new non-executive directors to replace incumbents who are likely to retire at next May’s annual general meeting.

“The search is part of a wider process to revive Phoni’s 15-strong board,” she said, “and is nothing to do with purging out all of former CEO Jean-Pierre Loonier’s cronies following a raft of massive corporate malfeasance fines in the US that originated from Loonier’s reign as CEO. No way…”

It is thought likely that Sir Quentin Crispus, the former chief executive of Greed Elsleazier, Dan Methane Snr, chief executive of US conglomerate Megabucks, and Sir Robert Weasel, the BIG Group chairman, would be stepping down at next year’s annual meeting.

“We’ve come to realise that those guys are actually stone dead anyway, and are therefore beyond reviving,” Anna Verkonsultant noted.

“Phoni UK has a very demanding set of criteria that potential Board Members have to fulfill,” she explained. “First of all, we are looking for white, middle-aged males, preferably Old Etonians with extensive Freemasonry and UK banking connections.”

“Candidates are then expected to score highly on the standard pharmaceutical CEO multiple-choice examination. Finally, they are interrogated by our team of non-executive directors, led by Jim Murgatroid, UK CEO of MediaFilth PLC and editor of the UK’s premier tabloid media trade guide, the Phonetapper’s Gazette.”

“Jim is tremendously experienced when it comes to standing up in front of panels of inquiry and telling massive porkies while maintaining a straight face, and he’ll be looking for the same qualities in would-be Phoni UK Board Members.”

“We’ll be asking interviewees to repeat the words of our current CEO, who said ‘I am confident in Avandia’s risk-benefit profile’ without cracking up or blushing in shame.”

Other long-standing Phoni UK members include Sir Dobbin Moribund, the former banker, who has been in place since 2004.


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