Knight Watchman...

By Bob Sleaze

Our Phone Tapping Correspondent

Senior officials at Buckingham Palace today declined to comment on stories that Andrew Whohe, CEO of Phoni UK, would be given a knighthood in next year’s New Year’s Honour’s List.

“We never comment on such downmarket tabloid speculation,” said Sir Fotherington-Fitztightly, the Queen’s assistant personal private secretary, “unless we think that you blighters have been hacking into our telecommunications again…”

But we at the Daily Moron think it’s high time that Our Andy, boss of the country’s biggest imaginary pharmaceutical company, was given the UK’s ultimate establishment accolade. And not just because the CEO of our newspaper is a Non-Executive director on the Phoni UK board and has told us to puff up his pal as usual – or else!!

So here’s your Super Soaraway Moron’s Top Ten Guide as to why the Queen should making our Main Man In The White Coat a Knight To Remember in the New Year…

1) He’s got a massive million pound index-linked pension and a collosal bonus package – just like those other worthy banking Knights Of The Realm, Sir Fred Goodwin and Sir Tom McKillop

2) He got a massive 76% pay-rise last year, just like every other Footsie 100 CEO, even though Phoni UK stock had lost billions in value – thanks to Fred and Tom!!!

3) Phoni UK has just reached a record-breaking $3 billion settlement with the US government in relation to illegal marketing activities – bigger than any such settlement to date!!

4) Just before that, Phoni UK also forked out a $750 million settlement for GMP violations in the biggest whistleblower payout ever!

5) Andy’s a massive hypocrite when it comes to keeping pharmaceutical industry jobs in England – he makes all sorts of patriotic noises about Phoni UK being an English company, whilst closing down Phoni UK sites and letting his HR Director boast about shipping English jobs to Third World countries like China, India – and Scotland!!!

6) Phoni UK fought tooth and nail to keep its company’s best-selling diabetes medicine on the market, despite overwhelming evidence that it greatly increased the risk of fatal heart attacks. Andy himself even said that he was “confident in the product’s risk benefit profile” just weeks before the EMA made Phoni withdraw the medicine in Europe – and just months before the FDA did likewise in the US!!

7) He’s poured billions of R&D investment dollars into “R&D partnerships” for things such as “anti-aging” compounds from red wine or dubious sleeping medicines, and got zero returns from them – just the sort of cash-shredding deals that Sir Fred and Sir Tom would be proud of!!!

8) Andy gained a lot of favourable press by selling vaccines at a reduced price to the third world - but in fact he was just dumping stuff Phoni couldn’t sell because the take up has been so low in the Western world due to reduced confidence in vaccines made from pig virus antibodies. Moaning Minnies say that the third world don’t even need vaccines to rid them of severe diarrhoea, just vitamins, better nutrition and clean drinking water – but there’s nothing wrong with chasing a profit by pushing unwanted and unnecessary vaccines and calling it philanthropy, is there?

9) Phoni UK still pushes its dubious antidepressant Saloadatat (known in the US as Poxill) on the back of highly discredited, ghost-written clinical studies, and in the face of a mountain of evidence of addiction, severe behavioural changes and suicides induced by the drug itself. But who cares what a few gloomy old manic depressives have to say when there’s money to be made, eh?

10) Andy is a great mate of UK Prime Minister Dave Cameron, and sits on a government committee for skills and innovation – despite the fact that Phoni haven’t discovered a decent new drug for years and is helping to destroy the UK pharmaceutical skills base by gradually shipping its drug manufacturing and R&D operations out of England!

So there you have it! What more could you do to meet the criteria needed to get a Knighthood in the UK’s modern, go-getting society?

And so the Daily Moron has this message for the Queen…

“C’mon Ma’am, whip out your sword, give Andy a couple of taps on the shoulder and say the words The Moron wants to hear…”

“Arise, Sir Andy!!!! A Great British Knight of the Realm!!!”


In the real world, rumour suggests that there may be no limit to the upward mobility of a former management trainee…