[Catchy up-beat music intro...]
Dominic Tosser (for it is he): Hello, and welcome to "What's Going On?". Today, we'll be talking about the closure of the Phoni Pharmaceutical research and development complex here in the heart of Nether Wallop. I'm very pleased to be able to welcome to the studio the former Head of the site, Dr. Ruth McKlosedown. Dr McKlosedown, thanks for coming along.
Ruth McKlosedown (for it is she): You're welcome, Dominic...
DT: Dr McKlosedown - may I call you Ruth?
RMcK: Of course, Dominic...
DT: How about Ruthybaby?
RMcK: ...er, that seems...
DT: Angel Knickers?
RMcK: I think we'll stick with 'Ruth' if you don't mind, Dominic...
DT: Of course. Now tell me, Ruth, Phoni employs over 100,000 people worldwide in over 50 countries. Why was the Phoni R&D site in the UK singled out for closure?
RMcK: Well, Dominic, there were lots of factors behind the decision. Primarily, you have to remember that our new Chief Executive Officer, Ian McGreed, along with many of the senior executive team (including myself) is Scottish. We hate you Sassenachs with a typically Celtic virulent, undying passion. We see the closing of the Nether Wallop site as a act of revenge on you English for the humiliation of Culloden and the subsequent 250 years of national subjugation...
DT: Culloden was a long time ago, Ruth...
RMcK: A true Scot never forgets, Dominic. There were other reasons, of course. Phoni is facing an increasingly hostile commercial environment and is therefore looking to make cost-savings. Many national governments are trying to stop our traditional price-gouging of their healthcare systems. The UK has been particularly aggressive in this respect, and so we thought we'd make an example of them by cutting thousands of jobs and punishing them economically. "Leveraging Our Scale" is what we used to call it.
DT: What do you call it now?
RMcK: "Shafting Anybody Who Dares To Take Us On" is the unofficial name for our current global business strategy...
DT: You mention cost savings. Phoni made $2 billion in the first quarter this year, some 10% increase on the previous quarter. That doesn't sound like a company that is losing money so badly, it needs to make huge cost savings...
RMcK: You have to remember that our shareholders are demanding ever-increasing dividends, Dominic. £2 billion doesn't go far when you have to pay off the dozen or so shadowy plutocrats who own most of the company. Not when all of your major products are coming off-patent...
DT: So Phoni needs new products, Ruth?
RMcK: Absolutely Dominic. Which is exactly why we are closing our discovery chemistry and R&D operations...
DT: That seems counter-intuitive if you ask me...
RMcK: That's why you are a radio reporter and I am an internationally renowned, award-winning scientist and celebrated author who was head of the largest pharmaceutical R&D operation in Europe, Dominic. Until I closed it and fired everybody, of course. You see, my brain is so large, it is perfectly capable of holding many contradictory points of view with no ill-effects whatsoever.
DT: ...except for your former employees, of course...
RMcK: I am well aware of the consequences of our decision to close the site, and the effect it will have on both individual's lives and the local economy (pulls out onion to sniff). I've had many sleepless nights, agonising over the morality of throwing thousands of hard-working, skilled and loyal scientists on to the scrapheap (sobs) just so that our fabulously wealthy investors can get even richer. Long and dark have been hours where I have contemplated the devastating effect this short-sighted greed will have on the UK's scientific community and the future generations of scientists to come...
DT: Really?
RMcK: Er, no, actually. It's what I was paid to do. Asset-strip, shut the place down, and then shove off to a nice little R&D campus in leafy Cambridge with a huge salary, bonus and nice pension as a reward. Much more salubrious that this God-forsaken backwater full of inbred yokels, I can tell you...
DT: So what will happen to the Nether Wallop facilities?
RMcK: Well, unfortunately, we'll have to maintain a token presence there for the moment. Ian was in such a hurry to close the place when he first got the top job, that he forgot it has the only working clinical trials drug substance manufacturing facility in the company. I had to backtrack pretty quickly on total site shutdown, much to his annoyance. We'll need to keep the Pilot Plant running until we can outsource all of our CT manufacturing to India and the Far East, which will be another couple of years yet...
DT: What about the other facilities?
RMcK: We've spouted the usual platitudes about encouraging small, entrepreneurial companies to come in and set up businesses of course, but we've always known that no small company could afford the overheads on our huge white elephant buildings without massive incentives that we (and the government) don't want to pay. So we've pretended to set up a science park whilst at the same time imposing lots of petty limits and conditions to discourage any small businesses who might want to come here. We'd really much rather knock the buildings down and sell the land off for development, now the UK government have abolished all planning controls...
DT: So do you have any message for all those who will be impacted by the closure of the only major employer left in the Nether Wallop area?
RMcK: People need to embrace change, Dominic. The closure of the Nether Wallop site may close some doors, but it opens many others. Bailiffs, debt-collectors, job centres and hostels for the homeless will all be growth opportunities in the years to come, for example. And many people will benefit from relocating to other areas. I know I will be...
DT: Well, many thanks for talking to us, Ruth. Next up, and in keeping with today's "advances in healthcare" theme, Dr. Harold Shipman will be telling us about his heathcare plans for senior citizens...
It's a pity that BBC i-Player no longer retains a record of a totally unrelated broadcast...
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